i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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