i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
