I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
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Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
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Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week