Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
