My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
