Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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