Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
