i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We don't watch enough power rangers
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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