as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
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Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
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Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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