did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
