Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
