Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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