I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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