Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
