he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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