you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
