I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize