Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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