I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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