Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
