Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
