Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
