I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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