Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
