I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
