I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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