Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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