Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
