Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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