is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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