im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
worst night to have a conscience
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
