The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
