So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
