Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize