I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
