A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Randomize
