Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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