I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
