look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
