my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
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