real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
