Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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