I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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