I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i now understand why vodka
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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