you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
