Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
