That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
