Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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