I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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