so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
