also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
