i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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